| *Disclaimer: I had no idea the entry would be this long*
I cannot believe it's been so long, I guess I'm true to my name...
Anyway's...SO much has happened it's not even funny...where do I start? Well since this is really just to share my spiritual journey with the CUP crew I can talk about that a little. Which is why I don't have the link on facebook...I'm not really friends with all those people (inside joke for those of you on facebook), I don't need to show 'em my vulnerable side...y'all know how long it takes for me to put the wall down.
Well God is good all the time, and what I have learned in the past year and a half since I've written a serious blog is that He is faithful and patient. I mean patient! If you remember a while back I had a blog about getting help for a serious thing that happened in my past...well I didn't... Unfortunately, I paid pretty dearly for that. Struggled through depression (which I haven't been that low since before I gave my life to the Lord), and dealt with a lot of anger and disappointment. This was on top of me trying to finish my senior year well with all of my orgs (including planning the graduation ceremony itself), and taking a graduate level class so that I could graduate with honors (I did, and that's a story for another blog. God really seriously deserves ALL credit for that. It's on my diploma and it serves as a reminder of the breakthrough).
Unfortunately my heart got really...cold. Hard is the wrong word, I was still listening, but I was inconsolable. You know when you are emotionally wounded and physically drained, the only thing that will help you survive is that spiritual strength that the Solid Rock provides. I started a "Reading Through the Bible in One Year Study Bible" and I swear, there would be times I was just reading for the sake of reading, gaining nothing from the Word. From what I hear that's normal for some people, but not for me. I ALWAYS got something from the Word, even when reading through 1st & 2nd Chronicles or a similar book. So it was really a big thing for me to read the Bible and remain dry. I think that's why the Lord was telling me to get help a while back, cause He knew that the time was coming where I would be facing my past, and He knew that it would break me if I wasn't careful. But I didn't break (glory to God) but I did have to bend down. As a perfectionist, I carry that Type A attitude even to my spiritual walk. And so I was highly frustrated with the fact that I was dealing with the same things that I've been dealing with forever. I expected some breakthroughs, especially in this one particular area, and when it wasn't happening I felt so incredibly inept, angry and weak.
And then the Lord reminded me that His grace is sufficient. He whispered it to me and I heard it like a shout.
I was able to take a missions trip with my church for the first time (all my other trips have been through IV and just random ones my friends and I put together, like the one to New Orleans...again that's for another blog). And it was great because even though I go to an Assembly of God church, my pastor is NOT the traditional A/G pastor. Going on that trip to South Dakota to help build a college that ministers to/certifies primarily Native Americans was a real eye-opener and a blessing. First of all, I was one of two women...because it as a construction job. Yep, I can proudly say I helped to build a floor/basement roof and I helped put up (count 'em) NINE walls in just one week. So it was very male dominant, with all of the arrogance and he-man attitudes that men doing a traditional male role have. I don't think guys realize that just like women have weaknesses that men may not struggle with as much, so do they...beyond the typical "don't wear tight clothes cause it makes my mind wander" stuff. But, to get back to the revelation...so I was able to talk with the women that were there more in depth since there were so few of us and the men were irritating me. In particular was one lady who was actually the wife of head of the college. She is one of the few people I've met who has grown up in the A/G church. She talked a lot about how strict it was (emphasis on was, I'm amazed at how different A/G churches are compared to where it used to be) and how all of her children fell away from the Lord and are slowly coming back. There's even this beautiful story of how her young grandkids helped the parents realize how much they need Him. And how she and her husband had so many trials (she got involved in ministry in Costa Rica right out of college up until she got married, and then she focused on home missions, we all know how little support home missions get from most churches). And she talked about how Pentecostals had a "saved by faith, raptured through works" mentality, and how damaging it was. It was so freeing to just talk with her about that. She's served the Lord since she was a young child and now she's in her 60's and she had such a vision of freedom. She was adamant that us young folk get that. That we understand ALL of it, all the blessings, all the joys we have, all promises He has anointed us to grab up...ALL of it, is by His grace. It has absolutely nothing to do with how good we are, it has nothing to do with whether my brand of theology is better than someone else's, it has nothing to do with any lie that I choose to accept as a stumbling block along my walk...His grace is sufficient...
It was such an eye-opener for me. Because here I was at what is thus far the lowest point in my walk with God, and I'm feeling as if I have failed God and myself. My future plans are quickly becoming my present reality much too fast for my liking and here is this lady with so much experience and wisdom telling me that no matter how good I ever became I would still need His grace. And that's the hard part of faith. Recognizing that although we are called to live lives of righteousness and we so desire to please the One who pleases us so completely...He recognizes that we are so unable to do it on our own. And so my gung-ho, can't ask for help, "I can do this on my own" self needed to learn to bend down, on bended knee and ask the One who can truly help me with no strings attached, who loves me not "in spite of my weaknesses" but "because He can't help Himself" for His help. I have learned to accept the fact that He is head over heels in love with me, even if I'm not too in love with myself. It took me a year plus to really get a hold of this, and I am so GRATEFUL for His patience. I am learning to submit myself in a whole new way. And this is what the life with Christ thing is about. When you've reached one level and you've gotten really comfortable with it; He will take to another place where you will be rendered incomptent. So you can experience His grace, strength and wisdom in a whole new way. At the end of it all, I truly think this Christian thing is worth it...even if there was no heaven to gain...
Next blog topics: going to New Orleans, graduation, reading the entire Chronicles of Naria, renewing my love for Star Trek: Next Generation, starting grad school. I promise I'll be back...after awhile 
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